Reflection

Reflecting takes a lot of energy.  I've found other outlets for that energy in the past, and I suppose I could find other outlets for it now and in the future, but I'm forcing (is that the right word?) myself to put my energies in reflecting on my life, what is important to me, and what I want from all the opportunities that are in front of me.

I never imagined I'd be in the place I am right now.  No, not typing on a lovely MacBook while waiting for my facial masque to dry.  I didn't imagine I'd be a teacher (are you kidding?  Never!), married to a wonderful man (do I deserve such a great fellow?), and the mother of two amazing children (oh, how I wanted kids, but would I ever be blessed?).  I'm lucky.  My life didn't turn out the way I thought it would, but I'm glad the world has guided me to the rocking chair I currently sit in.

I have everything I could possibly want, and I still struggle to find meaning and purpose.  Am I supposed to be a full-time teacher?  Or a full-time mom?  Can I do either well in a full-time fashion? Can I do either well in a half-time fashion?  I know I'm too hard on myself and I know I dwell in the "what ifs" and apocalyptic scenarios too much.  I know I remember the bad things I've done or feel guilty for and I rarely celebrate the things I've done right and what I've accomplished.  Maybe this blog needs to be more about celebrations, accomplishments, and things gone right.  Maybe I need to reflect on the good stuff and have that reflect back at me -- maybe then I can see the meaning and purpose to my life.

Reflection one:

I married my Mister.  Awesome decision.

Repurposing

In the week before my mother passed away, she had one last conversation with her sister.  My mother had been suffering from dementia, and her moments of lucidity began slipping away from us; she had her good days, where she was with us completely, and bad days, where she was back in her childhood or some other far away place where we couldn't reach her.  In that conversation, she was able to stay in the moment, and when my aunt asked her, "Is today a good day?" my mother responded, "Any day the sun shines is a good day."

I love that.  She knew her life was quickly coming to an end and she could still find something to celebrate.  She knew that every single day was something special.  Regardless of her dementia, regardless of her paraplegia, regardless of how completely ravaged her body was from her disease, regardless of the knowledge she would soon leave her family, every day that she got to see the sun shine was a good day.

So.  In the darkest days, in the happiest moments, in the challenging instances, and in every average day, we all have something to celebrate: we get to see another day.  We get to see the sun shine.

When I first established this blog, it was to explore my love for photography and to link to the website iheartfaces.com.  That is where the titles for most posts come from -- and there is supposed to be a photo that connects in some way to that title, preferably with a face in the picture.  But now I am repurposing this blog to fit my needs and desires at this point in my life; I want to reflect, consider, document, and celebrate my life and this is a forum to do so.